DRUG STORES

Is it just me, or does it seem ethically wrong to sell cigarettes and alcohol at a drug store?

And when I say alcohol, I mean the over the counter items that Mel Gibson used to ween himself off of the sauce, such as Nyquil, Listerine, and Lysol. And I hear that there's alcohol in the cleaning product, Mr. Clean. No wonder that bald headed janitor always has a goofy looking grin on his face.

PLUMBING

Plumbing instructions ought to be made out of waterproof materials.

FOOD

I have a sneaky suspicion that the preservatives placed in our everyday food is killing us softly.

I have no evidence to back up my claims, but what if North American food preservatives promoted cancer, obesity, premature male pattern baldness, diabetes, high cholesterol, Autism, birth defects, accelerated puberty, and Alzheimer's Disease? Basically, most of the health issues that woe our society today.

MSG was a preservative that was found in just about all Chinese cuisine. Someone influential had made the claim that MSG was carcinogenic. However, MSG is still widely used in Asia today and, as far I can tell, they don't suffer alarmingly higher cancer rates than North Americans. That prompts me to go, "Hmm...."

CRIMINALS

If you are going to choose a life of crime as your career choice, then it would be in your best interest to arrive physically and mentally prepared.

If I was a criminal, I'd train for my life of crime. First off, I would become adept at marathon running. Here's a scenario: My car has had all its tires blown out, and I'm 20 miles away from the Mexican border (aka - freedom). What do I do? Lay down spread eagle on the ground, or sprint in the opposite direction the illegal aliens are approaching? The correct answer is option 2. The odds of a cop being able to jog marathon distances are extremely remote. The authorities would much rather call in the K-9 unit, and that will buy you even more time.

Secrecy would also play an integral part for me on becoming the best outlaw I can be. If you ask me, showing off is counter productive. Bragging about my criminal accomplishments would only serve to implicate me in crimes I had originally hoped to get away with. Getting away with something I shouldn't have is reward enough and can only strengthen my belief in the existence of the "perfect crime".

DOG THE BOUNTIFUL RACIST

Dwayne "Dog" Chapman is a bounty hunter who works in Hawaii. He has a "reality" based program on the network A&E where you can often see him praying like a good little Christian. He even preaches to the convicts he recaptures. The truth of the matter is that Dog the Bounty Hunter show is a well edited lie.

Chapman had his show removed from the A&E Network because of a recorded tape his own son made of his father was leaked onto the world wide web. On that tape, Chapman referred to his son's girlfriend as a nigger because Dog did not approve of her character, and he insisted that his son break up with his Negro lady friend if he ever wanted to come back to work with him. If that isn't discrimination, I don't know what is.

The tape of Chapman was littered in profanity and racial slurs. If you ask me, I think that recording displayed the real Dwayne Chapman's true colors. Even though he's part Native American, Dog seems to believe that Whites are superior. The way he was talking, it seemed to be ingrained into his way of thinking.

Is Dwayne "Dog" Chapman sincerely sorry for his behavior. I seriously doubt it. He's only sorry everyone had to see him in his true light. And he's only sorry that his derogatory comments led to the suspension of his $150,000 per episode paycheck.

I hope A&E decides not to bring back Chapman's show. The right thing to do would be to pull the plug on it. If A&E decides to bring back that show, I'll boycott all of their programming by deleting that channel from my television set. It will also show me that A&E's integrity is heavily influenced by not what's right, but what makes them more profitable.

WOMEN OVER 35

As far as Hollywood is concerned, an older woman's best friend is not diamonds, but blindingly high contrast.

SIGN LANGUAGE

I think it would be cool to be a ROCK & ROLL SIGN LANGUAGE SUPER STAR!

I wouldn't have to worry about singing out of tune, losing my voice, or being drowned out by my sign language back-up singers. The only downside is that I probably wouldn't receive favorable radio station rotation, sing alongs would kind of be pointless, and passionate, aggressive signing might lead to carpal tunnel syndrome.

THE BRILLIANCE OF CHINA

I believe that China's master plan to leap frog over the United States in hopes of becoming the most powerful country IN THE WORLD was partially foiled when U.S. inspectors discovered excessive lead content in the toys China was making for American children.

I think the Chinese knew exactly what they were doing when covering toddler toys with toxic levels of lead based paint. It was China's goal to introduce enough lead laced toys, so that American babies couldn't help but grow up with below average I.Q.'s. The People's Republic of China was doing all this in hopes that the next generation of the United States would look a lot like the plot of Mike Judge's movie, Idiocracy.

Nice try, China. You almost came up with the perfect crime. You just about got away with it...or have you already?

I HATE CIGARETTE SMOKE

Cigarette smoke stinks, hurts my throat, puts me at risk for lung cancer, plus it pollutes our environment with the smoke exhalation and unbiodegradable cigarette butts. But I have a solution to eliminate it ONCE and FOR ALL!

I would first invest heavily in Starbucks stock, and then splice a high yielding nicotine producing plant with that of a cocoa bean plant. And then voila! I effectively eliminate the need for people to light up by creating a means for consumers to drink their daily caffeine fix, while catering to their nicotine addiction at the same time.

People in the tobacco industry would despise me, but I would find solace in the significant, rapid growth of my off shore bank accounts. MU-WHA-HA-HA-HA!!!